Skeleton Island (1971)

D. Don Chaffey
Colour

This is one of those epic swords and sorcery, men in short tunics (and let’s be fair more than slightly homo-erotic) movies which seems to have fallen through the net of our cultural memory. Perhaps because Ray Harryhausen himself didn’t do the effects (although when he saw it, even he must have been suspicious that he had done the effects – given how familiar they all are); or maybe it’s because it’s not actually based on some pre-existing myth or legend, and is in fact lovingly ripped off from ‘The Night of the Living Dead’. But even if this is a minor effort when compared to ‘Jason and the Argonauts’ or ‘The 7th Voyage of Sinbad’, it’s still rollicking entertainment that deserves to be better known.

In a premise lifted straight from Homer, a group of battle-scarred warriors sailing home get horribly lost on the high seas. In the break of a storm they espy an island, with a castle sat imperiously on top of a sheer cliff. Seeking sanctuary, and a much needed break from being tossed about on the waves, they make their way ashore. In bright sunlight they climb to the castle, finding it empty but seemingly idyllic. There is shelter, comfort, and even some food for them to eat. But then at nightfall something terrible happens: a huge army of skeletons rises from the earth and lays siege to the castle. Our brave warriors are forced to fight for their lives to keep them out. Their trouble intensified by the fact that if any of the men dies, his skeleton breaks loose of his body and suddenly the danger is inside the castle as well.

That’s basically it. It lacks the epic sweep of ‘Jason and the Argonauts’ and the political message and subtlety of ‘The Night of the Living Dead’, but it’s a hell of a fun ride. It’s full-on swords breaking skeleton bones, bony hands grabbing at flesh (and sometimes grabbing through flesh), skeletons popping out of shadows when you least expect it, skull-like faces looming from darkness. The stop-motion will no doubt be mocked by snooty people for whom old films are endless source of fun (basically because they’re idiots). But really, more troubling from an enjoyment point of view is the characterisation (or lack of characterisation) in the script and performances (or lack of differentiating performances) of the cast – all of whom are stocky men with beards dressed in brown leather tunics. It’s hard to actually give a damn about who survives and who doesn’t when you’re not really sure which character is which.

A film crying out for a Hollywood remake then, one with new computer effects, a better script and a stronger set of actors. That Hollywood version of ‘Troy’ never got the sequel its source material so clearly demanded. Let’s give Sean Bean a call and see if he wants to do this.