Sticky Back Plastic (2003)

D. Simon Olson
Colour


For those not in the know (which should read in this instance, those of you who aren’t British) ‘Blue Peter’ is a BBC television institution. On air for more than fifty years now, ‘Blue Peter’ has been aiding kids in having safe, parental approved, do it yourself fun for over half a century. Imagine having a really uncool older brother or sister, always enthusiastic, never dressed fashionably, but forever incredibly eager to help you out with worthy and educational projects. Projects like building a birds nest out of twine, or making a Tracey Island from some bog roll and cardboard, or constructing a fully operational Tardis out of some string and a biscuit barrel. If you can picture such a sibling, then imagine him or her shrunk in height and confined to a corner of the room – and there you have ‘Blue Peter’. There are three or four presenters, all of an early twenties vintage, a menagerie of cats and dogs to act as pets, a garden to dig when the weather is good, and safe and uncomplicated educational fun for children from three to fifteen. That’s Blue Peter and every single person in Britain knows it.


‘Sticky Back Plastic’ is a barely released British horror film that exists to take the ‘Blue Peter’ ideal apart.


Although the show is carefully never named throughout the film, we’re clearly backstage at ‘Blue Peter’. But – much as ‘Meet The Feebles’ did to The Muppets – the clean cut façade is torn down to reveal a truly sordid and seedy underbelly. One of the male presenters is gay and spends most of his time backstage in increasingly torrid and masochistic encounters with the crew, the other male presenter likes nothing better than to masturbate in front of porn enacted by a revolving cast of sock puppets; while the blonde and bubbly female presenter is a coked up mess in a very twisted relationship with her boss (the sexual encounter we see involves glue, cotton wool and rubber gloves). The levels of disorganisation and disarray are so high, that when a serial killer strikes the studio, these people are truly helpless.


The set rules of serial killer films mean that those who have morally transgressed are the obvious victims, as such there is no shortage of candidates here. And the bodies do pile up in nice homemade Blue Peter style. The gay male presenter suffers a version of a death of a thousand cuts by being stapled hundreds of times until blood is spewing everywhere. The other male presenter is taught the lesson that you should always get a responsible adult to help you with scissors, when a sock puppet buries one in his eyeball. But the most gruesome death is saved for our perky blonde messed-up presenter, when the show’s beautiful golden Labrador – named ‘Goldie’ – is infected by rabies and rips her to pieces in lingering slow motion. This really is a very gory film.


It’s left to the show’s remaining presenter, the plucky Asian girl (presumably modelled on Konnie Huq, at this point an actual presenter on ‘Blue Peter’) who is untarnished compared to the rest of them, to save the day. The film becomes a battle of wills backstage at BBC Television centre, as our heroine uses all the skills she’s picked up presenting a magazine show aimed at kids, to save her life and save the day. This isn’t the most original film ever made – its novelty lies in its setting – so we all know the path it will take. The mask will be torn away, the bad guy will be revealed and he will fall to his death (although we probably don’t expect him to fall to death into a papier mâché volcano which spews out styrofoam and is lit by a torch with a red filter, that one of the presenters made earlier). The film of course ends with the bloodied heroine staring back ruefully at the carnage that has been wrought.


I’m guessing the reason ‘Sticky Back Plastic’ is almost impossible to get hold of is that the BBC wasn’t happy with this take on one of their most famous and enduring properties, which is a shame as – even though a horror film set in the world of kids TV should be funnier – this is far from the worst cheap, schlocky, gruesome horror with crap acting you could possibly stumble across.